Let’s face it, teaching is tough! If you are a teacher, you know that sometimes you say things in the classroom that you never anticipated saying. From “Ignore the dead scorpion on the floor” to “Don’t put the owl pellet near your mouth,” teachers say some unusual things. We asked teachers from across the country to tell us what has been the most unusual thing they have said in the classroom and here are some of their candid and amusing responses.
50 Strange Things Teachers Say
1. “Do not disturb reading group unless you’re bleeding, you’re vomiting, or you’re on fire!” ~Terri O.
2. “Please don’t bring me presents from the toilet.” ~Jenn M.
3. “Stop eating your shoe.” ~Arlene Y.
4. “Go back and pick up your hair.” ~Kathie B.
5. “You did a great job putting on your belt. Now go back in the bathroom and turn your pants around.” ~Sara S.
6. “Quit stuffing mulch down your pants!” ~ Becky K.
7. “I don’t care that you are having fun, you are not allowed to poke people with pencils.” ~Kris W.
8. “We don’t pee on our friends.” ~Sara M.
9. “Put the fake boob on my desk and leave it alone.” ~Tracy B.
10. “Just because your finger fits in your nose doesn’t mean you should put it there.” ~Erin M.
11. “Please don’t put cards in your panties.” ~Cindy B.
12. “What are you doing? Why is their a baby mouse up your sleeve and where did you find him? Please stop feeding him your pop tart.” ~Leslie H.
13. “Why did you glue your sandwich to your desk?” ~Wendy B.
14. “This is not a beauty parlor. Quit playing with each other’s hair.” ~Suzette S.
15. “Unless there is someone teaching you how to read under that table, you need to come out and join us on the carpet.” ~Traci T.
16. “Stop licking your desk.” ~Elizabeth A.
17. “Stop kissing the elevator button and fire alarm.” ~Marci J.
18. “Please don’t staple the tape!” ~Amy M.
19. “Why are you rubbing a glue stick on your shoes?” ~Allison F.
20. “Whose hair is this?” ~Araceliy S.
21. “Are you eating your math paper?” ~Lori L.
22. “Keep your spit in your mouth.” ~Melissa C.
23. “I’m not sure if fish have testicles. Let’s look that up…” ~Rachel H.
24. “The donkeys are eating the butterfly garden!” ~April Z.
25. “First one to kill the cockroach gets a pencil!” ~Nichole D.
26. “How did you pull your tooth out with your shoe lace while tying your shoe?” ~Heather K.
27. “What do you mean, this ball bearing came out of your digestive tract yesterday?!?!?” ~Carrie H.
28. “There’s a snake in my pocket chart!” ~Suzanne L.
29. “Don’t lick the keyboard.” ~Megan E.
30. “Stop playing with your face…it’s not a toy.” ~Beth T.
31. “Put your hands in your lap, not in your nose.” ~Heidi B.
32. “Get that dolly out of the stove.” ~DeAnna S.
33. “Please put your pants back on.” ~Shelly L.
34. “The mouse is more afraid of you than you are if him.” ~Tammie F.
35. “No, that is NOT a dead animal, that is ‘so-and-so’s’ hairpiece.” ~Kimberly S.
36. “Smearing food on your neighbor is not the way to show someone you want to be friends.” ~Jodi K.
37. “Did you really put glue your eyelids?” ~Teresa M.
38. “Whoever is making rude body noises: please stop.” ~Michele S.
39. While teaching a lesson on pairs…“Yes, Robert, you’re right, they usually come in “two’s” but let’s call them breasts.” ~Dot L.
40. “We are in 5th grade not prison and no one will be ‘shanking’ anyone.” ~Nikki N.
41. “I’m not a dog. Please don’t pet me.” ~Sarah D.
42. “We don’t store Playdoh in our pants.” ~Adrienne M.
43. “Ignore the dead bat in the corner!” ~Naomi M.
44. “Don’t bite your friends. They are not food.” ~Susan T.
45. “How did you staple your finger?!” ~Kelly C.
46. “This is not a barber shop. Put the scissors away.” ~Kimberly P.
47. “Quickly, someone tell Mrs. Welch what she was thinking.” ~Mrs. Welch
48. “This is not Star Wars…please stop pretending your fingers are ships.” ~Beth T.
49. “Please don’t lick the wall – it isn’t nice.” ~Carrie H.
50. “Everyone move to the other side of the room while I catch the snake with this trash can.” ~Kellie S.
What have you said that you never anticipated saying? Leave a comment and let us know!
By Brandi Jordan
This piece was originally published in 2014.
“we do not lick the fence” … “Why are you biting the trash can?”… “yes you may play with the doll house, but no hanging the dolls today.”
We pee in the toilet, not in the drain. We don’t lick our shoes, the carpet, the walls or our friends. Please do not eat your friend. We do not tie up our friends…..
We use tissues for that, eating boogers isn’t acceptable.
I’m not sure your parents want you tell me why your dad isn’t allowed on the internet anymore
No, boys are not werewolves, I’m sure your mom means your dad may just snore like an “animal in bed” when he drinks daddy juice.
Patience my google-aged children. There is one of me; raise your hand and wait, I promise your question will be answered when I finish instructing.
Pick your friends, not your nose.
Soap and water are your friends; they do not burn, hurt or sting.
Did you swallow the eraser and metal part of your PENCIL??? WHY????
Um, you’re supposed to be reading with us in your history book, not chewing on it. You’re 8 years old, and should not be eating your book.
Why is there glue on your chair? Did you seriously just try to glue your butt to your chair? Go downstairs and get more clean pants please. Stop playing with your bottom on the way there. I know it is sticky, you put glue on it.
I’m sorry to tell you, Mrs. X, but your child has eaten three erasers and two glue sticks today.
One day it’s not going to be just a fart.
“Who’s poop is in the sink?”
“Hand sanitizer is not for drinking.”
I am not a mummy, stop staring at me and finish your classwork.
I am becoming old and gray in this chair waiting for everyone to join us at the carpet area.
CyndiHanley I love it.
No thank you, but you can not hand me your poop on my hands, poop stays in the toilet and NO it’s not chocolate and it’s not for sharing.
I wish my arm was like a slinky…I would reach right over those cubbies and get you away from the sink!
I am not an Octopus, I can only help one student at the time. Please line up and wait for your turn.
We don’t lock our friends in gym lockers.
Yep, said that
Said that one two
Who popped all the heads off the dolls today?
Why did you just cut your pant legs off?
No, she didn’t poop. She farted. That’s called a fart. Can you say that? Okay, we usually only say that word with close friends or family. So in here, we can say toot, fluff, or pass gas…I know I always say we’re a family, but.. no. Just say toot.
Second Grade Teacher says
We do not put the eraser end of a pencil in the pencil sharpener! The medal jams it. Repeat after me “I will not put medal in the pencil sharpener.” Now let me demonstrate how to properly use the pencil sharpener. Now hold up your pencil & point to which end goes in the pencil sharpener. Good. (Hopi g for no more broken pencil sharpeners this year)
“I don’t have a chair attached to me. Be a problem solver.”
“Did a pert of her body fall off? Does she need a doctor? Is she hurting you? Then you are probably tattling.”
Stop shaking your head like that your hair is making too much noise.
Whoever wrote with poop on the bathroom walls had better wash their hands thoroughly and NOT do it again!
Did you really cut off a piece of her skirt? May I ask why?
Let’s put on our listening ears!
There is no medal on the end of a pencil, unless you’re using some sort of Olympic pencil topper. It’s metal.
Please tell me you do not teach spelling lol.
If you eat that (when a finger is up their nose), I will throw up, and I will throw up on you. Joyce D.
Please put that away. ‘Away’ means I can’t see it anymore.
‘Not talking’ means I can’t hear your voice . . .
(To 5th graders in the hall) I don’t know what you are supposed to be doing, but I am pretty sure that’s NOT it.
We don’t put superglue on our friends. And we are ALL friends here!
Put DOWN the scissors and step AWAY from the SMARTboard
Just exactly HOW is coloring your nails with a sharpie helping you to become a better reader?
Did you really just lick something that is soaked in a solution that preserves DEAD things? To which the student said am I going to die? (Of course I had actually anticipated this and paid extra for specimens that were soaked in a non toxic solution) I replied to the student I don’t think so, but I hope you are not to fond of your tongue. Hey what can I say he needed to be scared a bit!
I want the 4 Bs covered: back, belly, butt, and boobs. (To a middle school class.)
My favorite: Solve your problems in advance so I can help you better.
While a parent was standing next to me…
Student:”Miss Papon, what’s ‘ass’?”
Me: “spell it, sweetie”
me: “no, that’s ‘as'”
student: “no, ‘a’ says a-a-h and ‘s’ says s-s-s, so together they say ass.”
Me:” well, no, in this case the s is breaking the rule and sounds like a z, so it’s ‘as,’ I promise.”
Student: “NO! It’s ‘ASS'(said very loudly)!!”
Me: “no, it really isn’t. It’s ‘as.’ Now please go to your seat and keep reading. That word is ‘ as’.”
Thankfully, the parent standing behind me was one of those amazing parents, and she just laughed. (And was impressed that the first thing I asked was about how it was spelled…)
My chair is not a kleenex get one from the box
Did you give him your underwear at recess?! Please take it back and go put it on!
If you have nothing in your mouth, please stop chewing on your face.
Thank you, but no one wants to know how big your poop was.
No I did not tell you to take your clothes off and “fly” off the railing…i said take your sweatshirt off and dry it on the railing!
Who pooped in the chair?!
While talking to a first grader, “Quit playing with your monkey!!”
While talking to a room full of fifth graders in computer lab that are working on their typing skills, “You’re a bunch of little peckers!!” Which, I said quite loudly!!
I said this to seniors, yes, seniors…. “Quit licking each other, its rude.”
To a 10th grader – “Please don’t strip in class.”
To an 11th grader – “Quit digging for gold in your nose. One day you’re going to slip, put a finger through your brain, and then you won’t be of any use to anyone.”
you throw y go t If you have to throw up, use the trash can or quickly the bathroom. If I see up, so will I and the janitor will have two messes to clean up.
I had no idea pencils were for breaking… For 31 years I’ve been using pencils to write with and for colouring in. Who knew?
To high school students making out in the hallway “you keep that up you are going to end up in child development and it won’t be an elective!”
Pick something else; you can sleep with Ms. Frizzle tomorrow.
Why did you tie yourself to a pole?
You can’t just play light sabers with your private parts in school!
Please put on your arm and stop chasing the girls with it! (said to a student on the playground–scaring classmates with his prosthetic)
I say #14 all the time. One I say to kids that put their feet up on the desk, lay back in their chair, or lie on the floor… .you are not at home watching the football game so sit up!
ukedalum I love it. I always tell them that I want to see all six feet on the floor; the four attached to the chair and the two attached to them. =)
“You can put that back in your pants now, I’ve seen one before!”
“Get your head out of the toilet, that’s yucky!”
@MorganSilva that’s what I say, lol. I tell them six legs at all times. Then I just say six legs. The younger classes look at me like I’m crazy. 🙂
They make medicine for kids like you!
Patti Sobie says
No I do not want to have sex with Michael Jackson. Now please tell me the answer.
Haha, I tell them they’re not in their beds, so sit up!
JessicaHamilton1 I actually had a first grader glue herself to a chair once. She didn’t like the substitute so she put a bunch of glue on her chair and sat in it until lunchtime. She was stuck. She’s about 30 now.
To a bunch of hormonal high schoolers talking about what someone was doing or planning on doing in the bathroom after class: “I don’t know what’s going on, but the only thing any of you should be sucking is soda out of a straw!”
Yes, I did send him to the office for breathing, lol.
Actually you look more like a puppy than a kitty with that black marker circle around your eye, but we don’t use markers to draw on our face at school.
I’m waiting, and I’m not happy…
Ok guys, collect the worms from the floor and let’s get started with our day.
“How did you accidentally draw privates on the turkey?”
Stop chewing on paper, you are a child, not a goat.
To High School students: “No, you can not put on the duck costume.”
Also — “Please do not sit on the window sill. Seriously, do normal people have to tell others this at their place of employment?”
Please do not ball tap one another and if that’s what you enjoy to do save it for after school…
We bite food not friends
Ems S says
Please stop eating other peoples’ boogers. (I wish I was making that up)
Quit messing around and read your playboy…we were reading The Outsiders and the main character is PONYBOY. I meant for them to quit playing around and read about PONYBOY.
Did you seriously spray deer urine in my classroom?
Why did you wipe your boogers on her glue stick?
In PE, please don’t sit on the ball, it’s not a chair.
This is not slow poke day, so move a little quicker to the carpet please.
You can play with you fingers tonight, but right now I need for you to focus on this student’s strategy.
Please, do not rush through your test. Take your time. You have 3 hours to finish this benchmark assessment. I do not give medals to those who finish first.
Two cheeks in the seat and all four on the floor.
We do not do the “Solja Boy” inside. Save it for recess.
Your finger is bleeding because it is not a pencil. We don’t sharpen our fingers.
You need to ask to use the bathroom when you feel like you need to use the bathroom. Don’t wait until it’s an emergency and then use it right in front of me as you ask.
Reading coach taught me this my first year teaching (similar to one above) “You don’t talk to me while I’m at the back table unless you have blood, breakage, or barf.”
Last but definitely not least, (especially entering common core now) “Fingers are for nose picking, not COUNTING. I’d rather you pick your nose than count with your fingers; that’s how much I don’t like it!”
We do not dance on tables and take our clothes off in kindergarten!
Who wrote MY name on this math test!
While walking down the hallway in “line”…”Walk in a straight line, stop congregating! We aren’t having church!!”
“you stop throwing cars and thomas take your hands out of you pants!” Cathi H
“I think you would know if you swallowed a pencil.”
“You are not a cat, so you don’t need to clean yourself with your tongue.”
“I think you would know if you swallowed a pencil.”
“You are not a cat, so you don’t need to clean yourself with your tongue.”
I didn’t say it but one of my students replied to a question that was something like…”What do you do for your health? Some people jog, eat healthy, drink water. What do you do?”. He replied, “I fart to clean my colon.” I had trouble catching my breath I was laughing so very hard.
“Your boogers do not belong on the table the pencil or your neighbour’s chair.”
Are you wearing spurs?
Alright, who’s trash?
Why did you cut your shirt?
Why did you cut your friend’s hand?
What have you guys done to your mats? Have you eaten them???
Mrs Sassy Pants says
Last week we learned that Martin Luther King, Jr. had a dream that one day all men would be judged not by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. I have a dream too, it is that one day I can finish a whole sentence without being interrupted by one of my students.
I know you did not turn that work in yesterday. Stop blowing sunshine up my skirt.
That word is organism not orgasm.
(Free play time) “Teacher, ‘name’ is trying to kill me.” Me: ” ‘Name’, don’t kill her. It’s not nice.”
“I accidentally threw it..”
Me: “You know we don’t play with guns in school.” Child: “It’s not a gun.” Me: “Then what is it?” *in the most serious tone and with the most serious facial expression, I heard this. Child: “A gun.” FACEPALM.
“I threw it accidentally..”
“Get your hand out of your pants…no don’t smell your hand. That’s disgusting!”
“Stop chewing HER hair.” (Boy chewing on a girl’s hair who was sitting next to him.)
I teach Intro to computers class and had to ask a student, “Please do not lick your flash drive then put it into the USB port. (This 7th grader thought it would “buzz” his tongue like a 9v battery.)
If one of my students starts with, “When we were at recess/specials/safe key so and so did..” I stop them and ask, “Hold on! Is someone on fire?!” Now they syop tattling and go back to their seats.
Mrs Sassy Pants says
When they say in line “s/he cut me!” And I reply, “does he have a knife? Do you need me to call 911 or will a band-aid be enough?
Some of my kids changed to shorts for an indoor recess. When we got out early due to large amounts of snow I said, “No one goes outside without pants.”
Please don’t lick my toes! It’s not polite to lick your teacher- remember, private bodies! (A student used to lean over & lick my bare toes during “carpet” time, if I was wearing sandals)
Five year old boy is finally convinced to TRY to use the bathroom. Comes out. Boy: “I peed!” Me: “Did you wash your hands?” Boy looks down at both hands. “They’re already shiny!”
I am not your maid or your mother so clean up your mess.
Please stop asking to lick me.
Teacher: Please stop doing that.
Student: What, I’m not doing anything.
Teacher: Are my eyes crossed or something, I’m not talking to you.
Teacher: “Pease take the cheese stick out of your pants!”
We go poop in the potty not the urinal.
Jessie Chmielewski says
To a fifth grader: please stop doing cartwheels in the hall, it sets a bad example for my Kindergarteners.
It’s important to always use an r when we spell the word shirt.
Me: the word (heinous) is pronounced “haynous” not “heenus”…….no he did not say p*nis… Student: yes I did!!! Student 2: ‘we all have weenises…(showing bottom of bare elbow) SEEE!!!! HAHAHAHA!!! Entire Class Roars in Laughter.
Please sit on your bottom. This is not a flophouse.
While proctoring a Regents test,” I’ll spell my name for you. Please erase Old Lady.”
When offered the 5th birthday cupcake of the week, say ” No thank you, I’m allergic to sugar…it makes me swell.” It’ MOSTLY true! 😀 SM
Read my mind…if you were me in “this situation” what would you say?
I love the grand announcements from the restroom “Someone didn’t flush”….instead of trying to find the culprit say “if you flush it for them…you’ll get (whatever prize)”.
Who pinned the cheese stick to the bulletin board? Silence. How long has it been there? A couple of days.
“Are you really asking me why you shouldn’t eat the Legos?”
Please don’t give the stick insects a bath.
Kim MF says
Please take your animals (imaginary) outside and tied them to the tree. You can take them home when you go home.
Just because the printer is broken does not mean you start twerking on the learning rug
Please stop playing fetch with a marker and pick it up with your hands not your teeth
“If one more person spills their milk, I promise you all, lunch is over!”
mikeseagle Oh, this made me laugh so much harder than it should have.
NajatTililaTanirt Yes!!! Said variations of this so many times!
amstanley All teachers have crazy stories, but there’s something especially zany about those that come from educators of very young children. lol Solidarity!
I had a little butterfly tent in my pre-k classroom one year, and I had to convince the children that the butterflies did not want to eat their lunch/snack.
One of our classroom pets is a bearded dragon (Axl). I had taken Axl home for the holidays and hadn’t brought him back because he was going through “dragon puberty” and was not acting like himself. I had told my students he wasn’t himself lately and I would bring him back as soon as he was back to normal. During reading one day, we were discussing how close people get to their animals, and vice-versa…
Student #1: Mrs. Padilla, when are you going to bring Axl back?
Me: Very soon, maybe this weekend.
Student #1: Good, he’s cool!
Student #2: (raises his hand so I call on him) Is “ereptile” dysfunction when your reptile is acting crazy like Axl?
Me: stunned… Ummm, What do you mean?
Student #2: You know, those commercials on TV about “ereptile” dysfunction. Is that what it means?
**every little 5th grade eye in the classroom is staring at me waiting for an answer**
Me: (after a few seconds of thinking about how I was going to handle this in a way that wasn’t going to result in 22 parent phone calls inquiring about exactly what we were learning in reading…) Hmm, you know I’m not sure, I’ll have to look into that one and get back to you.
Me to child who is chewing something: “Luka, what do you have in your mouth?” Luka, “I don’t know.” Me: “Luka, most people know what they have in their mouth.”
You sound judgemental.
“Why did you eat the glitter?! I don’t know if you’ll poop it out, and I’m not googling it.”
Wow. One week in the classroom. Please.
“We don’t play with the toilet.”
“We flush AFTER we go potty. ”
Both of these happened today..
Please don’t clorox wipe your pretzel!
“Keep your spit in your mouth.”
“Keep your teeth to yourself”
“We aren’t talking about Jesus, we are talking about seeds.”
“Stop! Our fingers don’t go in our friends eyes.”
“What did you do with the sticker in your crotch?”….”Please pick the crotch stick up off the floor and throw it in the garbage!”
Adventures in middle school:
“Yes, you could say that the US and the Middle East are frienemies…”
“If your question is about human sacrifice, put your hand down.”
“Chickens are not a sin. Please stop putting ‘chickens’ on the Prayer Board.”
During Sex Ed Week: “No, you can’t accidentally get pregnant in your bladder.”
“Don’t hurt the kindergarteners, and don’t let the kindergarteners hurt you.”
“Keep your hands, feet, mouths, and other body parts to yourself.”
“Ok, find a partner and decide which one of you is going to be the sperm, and which one will be the egg”
On a residential trip: “If you get down off the top bunk, I’ll climb up with the hoover and see if I can get the alien off the ceiling”
Left my children waiting for me by the clothes recycling bin, came out to “X (11 year old boy) tried on a bra!” Me: “Oh. Did it fit?”
Preparing for a Christmas show rehearsal: “Any mice who need their ears stapled to their Santa hats, come over to me”
“I’ve used a disinfectant wipe on the door handle, so you can all stop trying not to touch it. Please, nobody else lick it”
“Nobody touch the banana!”
“When we are old enough to drive, then we can criticize other people’s parking skills. Until then, we sit quietly and are grateful for the lift.”
Turn around and watch where you’re going instead of watching where you’ve been.
Talking to 5th graders who are dissecting a sheep’s brain “What do you mean you licked the brain??”
After seeing pop up ads for fertility clinics on a student computer, “You were supposed to go onto cool math, what happened?” Student: “I was trying to type in ‘math’ but I accidentally typed in ‘sex'”.
Why did you peel the wall?
I don’t call on monkeys. (said to students who wave their hands around in the air while loudly saying “oo! oo! oo!”
Leave the spider alone. It will eat the ants.
Please pick up the cereal under your desk or ants will bite your ankles.
There is to be no swimming on the carpet.
Let’s show the principal that we know how to walk.
In full PANIC mode, “what are you doing! Get the plastic bag off your head!” as I am pulling off a gallon sized zip-lock bag off a kids head. He had it clear down to his shoulders!”
No – We don’t stick cubes in our ears. Take them out.
Adventures with Ms. Gray:
“Mikhail, no! We do not throw spit!”
“I don’t ever want to see you eat Ethan’s snot again, do you understand?”
“We don’t attack our friends, teachers, or family, that is NOT okay.”
“Is pushing the chairs around the room with your feet a good choice or a bad choice? Bad? Then why are you doing it?”
“If you need to bite something, you can bite one of the toys. DO NOT bite people.”
Super glue is not for putting on toilet seats – (I teach first grade).
When I tought preschool:
“WHERE ARE YOUR PANTIES?!”
“Do NOT touch the poop on the floor”
“Don’t put that in your mouth!!”
all said within 3 minutes of each other.
In my music class:
“That’s not Elvis. That’s definitely Michael Jackson.”
“Please stop dipping your popcorn in your blood.”
“Your weeny hurts? I don’t know how to help you…”
“If you need to toot again, please go to the hallway.”
“Get a glue stick. Your boogers are not going to work….”
At the end of P.E.: I had asked everyone several times to stop and put the p.e. equipment away….but they just kept trying to shoot baskets with the foam balls and hit each other so I yelled quite matter of factly: “Everyone stop and grab your balls. “
My mother at the end of a successful teaching career of 40 years. At the bus stop, a little boy, by the name of Mark, was brandishing a stick at her. She thought he said, “Stick it up, under your dress!”
So obviously she was very upset. So she took him into the principal’s office.
Where the principal asked him, “Mark what did you say to Mrs. Jones?” and he replied:
“I said….stick em’ up….you’re under arrest!”
Needless to say, both my mother and the principal had a hard time not laughing. They got the student to the bus stop in time to go home with the other students…just minus the stick.
Please ignore the pig in the back of the classroom.
“Please take the mustache out of your shoe.”
Yes, you are correct, your butt is symmetrical.
Why are you giving me your booger? Go get a tissue!
You’re suppose to pee in the urinal your in front of not someone else’s.
I think I may have 50 on my own.
“Did you eat your clay volcano?” “Why are you wearing your pants backwards?” “Why do you have two left shoes on?” “Ignore the mice running across the front of the class?” “Did you notice the teacher’s car vandalized and set on fire?” “Don’t lick the pole?” “Please stop running up the wall!” “Why did you let the kitten in the trailer?” No, we can’t keep a kitten as a pet?” ” Why are you feeding the pretzels to the crayfish?” “Why would you pee on another student’s book bag?” “Martin Luther King Jr., was not one of the three wise men that brought gifts to baby Jesus.” “No, I was not alive when there were dinosaurs.” “No, the school was never a mental hospital.””OMG, there is a mouse nest in your desk!” “Did you eat a plastic ant? And why?” “Don’t pick that up! (A used condom on a community walk)” “Why did you paint your fingernails with White Out?” “Someone tried to flush a book bag?” “Is that a SWAT team outside the window?” “You got kicked out of your last school for pushing your teacher down a flight a stairs….hummm” “Don’t suck the base ten blocks!” “You stabbed your classmate in the eye with an icicle!”
Don’t put your finger up your nose. Your nose knows it’s not the place it goes!
Don’t put your finger in your eye. That will only make you cry!
Stand closer to the urinal so no one can walk between while you’re using it. Now we have to send these boys to the nurse for dry clothes.
No, putting on lip gloss is not going to help you learn to read quicker.
“Do you see anyone in here eating a biscuit?”
Hey there! Way to try to take the fun out of a lighthearted article!
Seriously, even the strictest and most proactive teachers have funny, unexpected moments. If you haven’t, you are either not a teacher or you only teach robots instead of living, breathing, amazing and sometimes disgusting children. I would not let my personal children spend 2 seconds in a classroom with a teacher who truly doesn’t understand the nature of children. Structure and engaging activities will not keep them from being kids.
PLease don’t lay down on the bathroom floor boys!
Why did you tie your shoelaces together in a knot?
Are those your mom’s spiked high heels? (To a 4th grader getting of the bus; yes they were)
When I say no talking, that includes talking to yourself and any imaginary friends.
No, you cannot pee in the bushes. Even if you do it at home.
“If you want a grade, ya gotta put a name on it.”
Sung to Beyoncé’s, “Put a ring on it”,
I’m going to let your mom know she can save a lot of money at Christmas since you have so much fun just playing with soap in the sink and little pencil cap erasers in your desk.
The word is gentiles, not genitals.
“Please take your scissors out of your mouth.”
“please, erase the “p’ here. Now write a “c”. Ok. Now read it again: “pop corn”
Student: What is that awful smell?
Miss Roberts: Well, that smell is today’s lunch.
“Why did you tie him to the tree?”
“He asked me to”
“Did you ask him to tie you to the tree?
“Yes, I like it!”
“Yes I know you are wearing a Spiderman outfit but you still can’t jump off the climbing frame”
“Put the mustache wax away”
Yes, a 12th grade student pulled a tin of wax from his bookbag and began twirling his mustache into handlebars. You can’t make this stuff up.
We all know those days when our students are acting goofy and cannot stop laughing. One day in an afternoon Algebra I class, I heard a teacher tell the kids, “Stop laughing! This class is not supposed to be fun!”
Not completely true. I have one this year that I have had to say several of these statements to, he is on an IEP for behavior disorder and ADD. Some kids can not pay attention and it has nothing whatsoever to do with their teachers ability to teach. Today I had to remind him that we blow dry our hands in the bathroom and not our faces.
Please stop touching each other. ..make a play date and do that at home!
I know you are texting, no one intentionally looks at their crotch that long.
Working with 18-36 months: Why on earth is there a hair tie in your diaper?
“I’m sorry to burden you with education today.:
“Every time you type a proper noun with a lower case letter, an English teacher cries.”
“We will get there if it takes all day by 11:00.”
“Sometimes I think I am the only person who listens to me.”
“The day I buy a $14 pair of socks is the day they bury me, upside down, so they can see my socks.”
Did you just lick me?
“Please don’t eat the science.” – Betty Bickford
Why did you squirt hand sanitizer up your nose???
How did you staple your tongue???
No, Scott, your uterus does not hurt.
I think my ribcage just shattered from laughing. OMG.
“What are you doing? Why is their a baby mouse up your sleeve and where did you find him? Please stop feeding him your pop tart.” ~Leslie H.
Really? Wrong there.
How did you get a gobstopper stuck in your belly button? -Christine K.
Don’t be afraid while I get a praying mantis out of your up-do. Ms. Rod. (I was very afraid)
So and so you are not allowed to pick off someone else’s scab
My school was scheduled to have a fundraiser night at Chuck E. Cheese. My sixth graders were talking about it, and seemingly out of nowhere got extremely excited while talking about Chuck E. Cheese. I said to them, “Good grief, are you really this excited over a 6 foot tall mouse?” The kids started laughing and pointed at the door behind me. Chuck E. was standing behind me and had heard the entire exchange!
My name is not “Mrs. Hamburger”.
“Please put your ear back on”. Born without an ear, child had a prosethic one.
K class– Who pooped in the trash can? (I never did figure out the answer.)
It’s a school rule–when you’re in kindergarten, everyone has to wipe their own bottom. You can do it.
Do you really have playdough in your nose?
No, adolescence is not a…. hmmm. Actually, now that I think about it, adolescence is a disease. Everyone gets it. Some people just never recover.
What do you mean you are going to name your children Donald and Trump?
Every fifth grader is to go home today and tell your parents that you need to start wearing deodorant.
If you feel flatulence coming on, please remove yourself to outside the room until it passes. If you are prone to flatulence, sit at an area of the carpet where you can exit quickly from.
We are not at the beach. Please sit up on the carpet.
To a 1st grade boy who just returned from the restroom, “Please put that thing back in your pants.”
Go, Flush, Wash, Leave
Jessie Chmielewski I’ve said similar things!! lol
Please don’t lick the window!
Every year I have to give my “Why we don’t chew our shoestrings” speech….It’s quite gross…The other day I noticed a student starting to put his shoestring in his mouth and all I had to say was, “Do I need to give my shoestring speech again?” and he stopped immediately. lol
You are not a woodpecker and I am not a tree.
From 10th grade:
“Please stop drawing penises everywhere.”
To the kid looking at his phone under the desk: “Whatever is in your lap that is *that* entertaining shouldn’t be out in class. Please put it away.” Class slowly breaks out in giggles.
My second year teaching, I had some kids approach me and tell me that T had a cat in her backpack. I told them that it was fine and she could take it out at recess (thinking stuffed animal) . They said no, she has a cat in her backpack. I walked to her backpack, opened it up and saw a 5 week old kitten cliging to the bottom of her pack looking scared and ill from the swinging of the pack on the hook. I actually had to ask a 4th grader “Why do you have a cat in your backpack?” There is a question they don’t teach you in college!
Kim MF You are AWESOME! I love this.
We have to catch the Poop Bandit!
Please, always remember to wipe your blood off the floor. (This student’s nose bled almost every day)
“If you’re raising your hand to tell me about Cinnabon, please put your hand down. This is math.”
A toddler tried to stick his finger in my nose so I told him, “My dad once told me ‘You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose!'”
“No, you may not stab your partner with the plastic knife.” To seventh graders!
Please don’t run over my foot with that robot!
” It is not ok to shake your privates around in the boys bathroom” -J.Thurston
“Please stop describing your poops to everyone. “
Shelley E says
Your face is not a racetrack for your pencil.
Bobby, we don’t put banana peels on our head.
Put it back in your pants, and leave it there.
~ Shannon S.
Teaching early head start, laying on the floor playing with the children one sits on my head “did you poop? Come back here let me smell your butt again! “
Ms D says
Henry, you can’t show your penis to your friends.
No, you can’t go to the bathroom together. We don’t have potty parties.
Ms D says
RuthShea1 I teach art to the whole elementary school. My favorite is Kindergarten. It wasn’t my favorite my first year or my second year. It took me a while to figure out how to make everything into a game. We walk on tip toe feet to our seats and put our bodies into star without making a peep. We perform our jobs quick like bunnies and we play chou chou train to line up. Now I absolutely love them! I’m so glad I’m not the one who has to teach potty procedures, although I have had to break up a couple pee pee sword fights. Really gross.
My sister in law taught K-1 combined and last year’s regularly occuring phrase was “Please don’t breathe on your friends.”
“you are not a dog stop sniffing me”
“no you cannot use the match to set ‘so and so’ on fire……no you cannot set the school on fire either”
When someone passes gas and the kids allgo “Ew so and so farted” I say…”What do you want me to do? Put it back in him?”
“Please give her hair back to her. She is crying because she thinks you stole her hair”
“Why are all of my glue sticks taped into paper guns?” (a student made them into ‘hot glue guns’)
“Ok, only one bite of the glue stick, then give it to me”
“They really need to pre-warn us about these fire drills”
“We got the hardest class in the school with the biggest kids; they gave us the smallest classroom and the most violent kid in the school…and no phone or PA system…they’re either trying to kill us or make us quit”
“Put it away or take it into the bathroom! I’ve seen it too many times this week!”
“Uh! Hands together, not in my pants or up my shirt”
“Do not hit each other or kill anyone in my classroom! I have enough paperwork to fill in already!”
“Here is a ticket for ‘respect’. I really like the way you walked by my classroom without staring at me through the window the whole time”
Things I’ve heard my kids say:
“Hey, do you want to go with me to Thailand and be a lady boy?!”
“Knock knock” “Who’s there?” “Knock knock” “Who’s there?” (and they both cackled for 5 minutes repeating it)
“You’re a guinea pig”
Overheard a colleague say:
“Now, let me get this right…(name) called you a KMart because you called him a Bunnings? Why did you call him a Bunnings?)
“No talking and if your breathing guess what your wrong”
Stop eating the salt off the floor. It’s not the kind of salt you can eat.
“Stand up and walk like a human, please.”
“Put your clothes on before you come out of the bathroom. “
Kindergartener: It was my invisible friend, not me!
Me: Invisible friends aren’t allowed at school. He’ll have to leave.
Kindergartener: But I don’t have a car or a license, and my dad’s at work.
Me: Well then he’ll have to go to the office until the end of the day.
(yes, I sent an invisible friend to the office. With a straight face.)
I have a dinosaur in my pocket.
Please don’t lick the ipad.
Please don’t eat skittles out of the toilet.
María Elena says
“Do you think your classmate is a colouring book? Really?”
“Do you usually paint on your mom’s table? I don’t think so, mate.”
(EFL class) “Who is your mother’s or father’s sister?” “-My cu**” (child’s innocence…) “weeeell…”
“No, I don’t want to touch the cricket with the butt piece.”
“We don’t collect rusty screws and try to eat them.”
“If you listen to the directions all day, then of course we can go cricket hunting in the bathroom!”
“Clipboards are not meant to be thrown across the room.”
“No, you are not going to die from swallowing that googly eye. But this unpleasant experience is exactly why I didn’t want you putting them on your tongues!”
“Did you really just bite him on the nipple?”
ME to Kindergarten Student: “What are you doing?”
STUDENT: “Getting my boogers out.”
ME: “Please use a tissue, and then go wash your hands.”
STUDENT: “You want me to put them back in?”